Who here is obsessed with to-do lists? I myself am a to-do list girl…or…was one, anyway. Lately, I’ve been more of a to-don’t list girl. Especially in the area of our yard.
From day one, our massive yard has overwhelmed me:
In an effort to cope with the low rainfall and harsh west Texas conditions, I studied and volunteered for several months and earned my Texas Master Gardening certification. From there I developed a detailed landscape plan where I measured out our property, researched native plants, called 811…the whole nine yards. (Or, in our case, the whole acre.) I even built our keyhole garden with stone and mortar using my own two hands.
And now I’m done.
I’ve hit a wall.
I don’t frikin’ care anymore.
Have you ever found yourself in such a place of apathy that the things that once brought you joy only cause your stomach to hurt? I’ve been in this place since…August? Any other year, I begin getting excited about our garden the day after Christmas. This year, however, I’ve decided I’m not even going to attempt tomatoes. What’s the point? All my hard work will fry in the sun by July and the squash bugs will decimate everything else.
If it sounds like I’m complaining, then okay. Maybe I am. I should be happy to have all this property. But right now, I’m not happy. Instead, I’m stressed out because each glance out the window is another reminder of how much untapped potential is out there that my back and knees simply can’t churn out on their own. Perhaps this is all a part of growing old. Accepting that I cannot do it all. Sucking it up and hiring help.
Who knows? Maybe I will wake up tomorrow with a desire to cross things off my list. But for now I feel overwhelmed, scared, hopeless and above all, disappointed in myself. Never have I felt so sapped of all creative energy or desire. Part of me wonders if I tapped the well too deeply these past five years in this fixer-upper, and now I’m plum burnt out. (Which reminds me: I was going to plant a plum tree.)
The whole notion of burn-out scares the bejeezus out of me. Without creativity or will, what will happen to this blog and the big future I had planned for it? What will it mean for my business? I’m not sure, but the minute I think about letting everything go and turning all my to-dos into to-don’ts, I feel a peace and a freedom that I haven’t experienced in months…maybe even years.
So with that said, here are all the things I am NOT going to be accomplishing any time soon. (Gosh it feels good to say that!)
My To-Don’t List
1. Walking path to vehicles
Who has two thumbs and will be tracking thorns and stickers into the house for yet another season?
2. Front hedges
Should I select boxwoods or dwarf abelias?
I think I will choose a nap instead.
3. Lily bed
See this lovely lily bed I built up using garden pavers?
Ha! Me, neither.
For the rest of my to-don’t list, follow me through this door….
4. Backyard Walking Trail
I just love this walking trail that wanders the breadth of our back yard.
On second thought, I love delayed gratification more.
5. Asparagus beds
Yay! We’ll finally have asparagus in a year!
Make that …5?
6. Native Bed for Birds, Butterflies and Bees
I hope the bees, butterflies and hummingbirds didn’t believe me when I told them I’d have a place for them this spring.
7. Keyhole Path
Good thing I leveled and mulched this walking path to the keyhole.
Now I won’t twist my ankle.
8. Seal Deck
This wood needs saving.
So does my fashion sense.
9. Vegetable Garden
I just love looking out at all the vegetables I am not planting this year.
10. Messy Deck
The least I could do is throw away all these pieces of loose cardboard scattered all over the deck.
But then where would the neighborhood cats pee?
Thank you for joining me on this yard tour-de-shame.
And if your shoulders are heavy and your stomach is in knots over your to-do list, I encourage you to loosen that grip just a little and fall back.
Oh yeah, it’s scary as hell.
But at least there will be a cat urine-soaked pile of cardboard to catch you.