As a child, my Barbies never got along.
Because they were all a bunch of backstabbing hoes.
Even Skipper couldn’t be trusted (though no one ever took her seriously).
No matter how many times I would try to set up a peaceable scenario for them to play out (a family reunion, a school dance, a wedding), someone would always wind up sleeping with someone else’s boyfriend causing the rest of the hour to be spent carrying out personal vendettas.
I’m sure my Barbies never meant to be whores but with only one Ken to share amongst the 12 of them, they had no other choice.
I take that back. We also had a Michael Jackson Thriller doll. But he gave our Barbies the eebie-jeebies.
Todd was our first Ken. Actually, he was my sister Lisa’s Ken and don’t you forget it!
Despite his love life, Todd really was a nice guy. A gentleman even. Whenever me and Lisa would play together, he was always a one-woman man. Or…a one-Barbie Ken. Whatever.
Todd’s lady of choice was always Sun Gold who also belonged to Lisa. And you sure better not forget that, either!
Sun Gold was the prettiest Barbie any of us had ever owned and no matter how long I spent dressing and primping my dolls, they were never as beautiful as her. In addition to looks, Sun Gold also had dibs on all of the cutest outfits. This was an important advantage since mine and Lisa’s favorite Barbie game play out was “Cool Party.”
“Cool Party” was basically a beach party that our Barbies would spend all day getting ready for. In Barbie time, “all day” equaled roughly an hour that we spent carefully planning each doll’s outfit (the skimpier, the better) and hairstyle (the pouffier, the better). Ironically, the actual party never lasted longer than five minutes which was more than enough time for Todd and Sun Gold to meet and then make out.
Unfortunately, Sun Gold suffered the ever-dreaded Barbie injury: decapitation. One day she was placed in the Barbie box and the next she was retrieved with a broken neck. No matter how hard Lisa tried to fix Sun Gold’s head, it would never be the same again. The only option left was to screw her head onto her body resulting in a very unattractive broad jaw and squatty neck. (I called this the “Bette Midler Effect.”)
To this day, Lisa blames me for the defacement of Sun Gold, but let it be known that I did not do it! (I have my crystal-clear conscious as my witness.)
Besides, I have an alibi: I wasn’t in the Barbie box the night of Sun Gold’s beheading, but there were several jealous and embittered dolls who were…
After the Sun Gold incident, Lisa rarely played Barbies with me anymore; a turn of events that proved advantageous since Todd would now have to consider some of my Barbies for once. It was a miserable time for poor old Todd, but thankfully I received a new Ken for my birthday that year.
I named him Matt.
Matt was a spineless bastard.
Which is why I think he fell so hard for Vanessa.
Vanessa was my favorite Barbie. How could she not be? She had crimped hair and a super cool denim outfit AND diamond earrings AND a diamond ring!
Unfortunately, Vanessa was a major bitch; a trait she didn’t fully let loose until Stacy arrived.
Stacy was a “California Dream Barbie,” and after seeing her advertised numerous times on T.V., I knew I had to have her.
Stacy was just plain fun from her palm tree earrings straight down to her bright yellow boots. Unlike Vanessa, Stacy was friendly and down-to-earth which gained her the respect of the other dolls right away. She also caught Matt’s eye.
And so Matt left Vanessa for Stacy.
Who left Matt for Todd.
Who left Stacy for Vanessa. (Don’t worry, Todd didn’t stay with Vanessa for long. He found her to be too shallow.)
Unfortunately, Stacy’s reign as top Barbie began to crumble once I decided to comb her curly bangs, a move that turned her once-stylish coif into a mullet. And a few months later, I accidentally vacuumed up her adorable bikini top. Then I somehow misplaced her boots and her earrings.
Soon, Stacy became just another average Barbie. (If “average” meant you were topless and had a mullet.)
So Matt went back to Vanessa (who still had her earrings, high heels and diamond ring) and Vanessa regained her place as top Barbie.
It was tough being a Barbie in my Barbie world. Not only was it nearly impossible to get a date or avoid Vanessa’s flaming darts of hatred, the newly constructed Barbie Townhouse was getting bombarded with earthquakes. No sooner would the dolls finish cleaning up from the last one that another would strike.
I have Lisa to thank for this. I would be right in the middle of a good scene when she would sneak up, grab the edge of the townhouse and vigorously shake it back and forth shouting, “Earthquake! Earthquake!” while Barbies and furniture flew everywhere.
I think this was Lisa’s way of getting even with me for Sun Gold’s misfortune.
Seeing that my Barbie world was in desperate need of a pick-me-up, I decided to get a new doll. Little did I know I would be inviting World War III into my bedroom. From the minute they first laid eyes on one another, Vanessa and Sandy (which is what I named the new Barbie) were at each other’s throats.
Vanessa hated Sandy’s bushy hair and purple eyes.
Sandy hated Vanessa’s pig nose and perky butt.
Matt thought both of them were pretty cute when they were angry.
In the end, Sandy’s hopes of being top Barbie were ruined when I tried to remove her earrings. Not realizing they were permanently attached to her head, I yanked one off only to leave behind a bright pink stump. Since I didn’t want her head to look lop-sided, I pulled off her other earring. This left Sandy with two pink stumps sticking out of the sides of her head which made her look like Frankenstein. And so FrankenSandy joined Stacy-With-the-Mullet at the bottom of the pile.
Eventually, life calmed down for my collection of backstabbing hoes. Vanessa and Matt got married several times (she wanted a chance to walk down the aisle in each of her favorite gowns) before finally raising a family.
Todd went on to marry his long-time pal, Barbara, who was one of Leslie’s Barbie’s.
As a favor to her former lover, Sun Gold offered to be the godmother of Todd’s children.
Barbara consented as long as there was no funny business between them.
Sun Gold gave Barbara her word and then winked at Todd.
Sandy and Stacy became nuns and went on to start an orphanage for children with bad hair.
And as for me? I went on to discover that no one else played as harshly with their Barbie’s as I did. Apparently, all of my friends’ Barbies always shared and never gossiped and always got along.
I’m just glad that some of my Barbies never ran into some of their Barbies.
Otherwise, those Barbies might have mysteriously lost their heads, too.