Keeping Up With Mrs. Smith

When a perfectionist moves into a fixer-upper…

How to Outsmart Nighttime Monsters

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I’m just gonna say it: I’m sort of afraid of my house.

ourhouse

It’s scarier in the dark.

Because there is a dead girl hanging in the downstairs bathroom.

bathroomold

I know what you’re gonna say:  “Why on earth would you buy a house with a corpse it it?”  To which I’ll answer: “We didn’t.  The corpse snuck in some time last Wednesday.”

Last Wednesday I decided to skip house work and treat myself to a movie.   So I put in Girl, Interrupted and got really freaked out over the suicide scene.  (This is what you get when you choose entertainment over painting ceilings!)  And now the dead girl from that scene is hanging in our downstairs bathroom.

Our house has three bathrooms in it but the one downstairs is evil.  Even in the daytime I refuse to go in there.  This is because I caught a glimpse of a really old black turd floating in the toilet during the house inspection.  While our house was on the market a lot of people broke in through the back door.  (Including me and Dave.)  But some of the more ragamuffin trespassers actually used the toilets…even though the plumbing was turned off!  So now I am left with the horrible memory of the smell and contents of that downstairs toilet.  And that’s why that bathroom terrifies me and that’s why the dead girl chose to hide there.  Of all places!

There are other monsters around the house but they only come out at night.  Once all evidence of the sun is gone, the ax murderer takes his place at the top of the stairs, Michael Myers hides behinds the bushes and the rattlesnake waits in the driveway.  I only take these guys semi-seriously but I’m not stupid enough to not devise some sort of action plan against them:

Leilani’s Guide to Outsmarting Nighttime Monsters

1. If you have to pee in the middle of the night, just hold it.  This will irritate the ax murderer.  Besides, his shift ends at around 5:30 a.m.

2. When you drive up to your house late at night there will be a rattlesnake a few feet away waiting to bite your ankles.  When you get out of the car start stomping really loud.  This will scare the snake away.

3.  As you pass the overgrown bushes where Michael Myers is hiding throw a scarf over your head, slump your shoulders and shuffle your feet.  Maybe even give a weak cough.  This will give Michael the impression that you are a hungry old homeless woman causing him to take pity on  you and leave you alone.

4. Once safely inside your house do not use the downstairs bathroom.  There’s a dead girl in there.  Along with a moldy toilet.  And splashes of dried brown matter on the linoleum.

Unfortunately, #4 is not limited to the nighttime hours.  It is a 24/7 situation.  And I’m not sure if my feelings will change about this bathroom even after we replace the toilet, sink and linoleum and paint the walls a happy shade of smell-nice and hang a crucifix over the toilet.  I may still choose to use the bathrooms upstairs even after the dead girl decides to move on to another forlorn bathroom in another place and time.

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