Why is it that when you are all alone at night the creepiest sounds come oozing out of your scary fixer-upper?
Mr. Smith has been out of town all week and every night there has been a different creepy sound. Two nights ago the wind and the rain came blowing in, and on top of the howling came a high-pitched humming sound. It screeched off and on all night giving me and the cats only a moment’s peace before starting up again. By 2 a.m. we finally drifted off into a fitful sleep.
But last night was worst of all. While Mr. Smith and I were texting our goodnights there came a skittering above my head.
I’ve dreaded this moment since the day we moved in. The moment when there would be sneaking, crawling, living creatures up in the attic. And here the moment was. With me all alone!
No, I take that back. There was me and the cats and together we perched, poised for action, at the edge of the bed. Suddenly, the ceiling echoed with shuffling and low squeaks and what sounded like rocks rolling helter-skelter along the attic floor. I scurried under the covers and texted Mr. Smith. But Mr. Smith was at a Cyndi Lauper concert. Cyndi Lauper is fabulous and all, but I WAS IN A SERIOUS CRISIS HERE!
The solution was simple: Mr. Smith needed to catch the red eye back home so that we could hide under the covers together and wait for the creatures to crawl down and eat our faces. Eventually, my husband texted back with the calm and collected answer of “everything will be okay.” So I hung up and called my mom. While describing the situation to her, something above me let out a loud squeak. So I let out a loud scream.
The squeaks grew in number and in a way, they sounded almost like…cheering? It was as if squirrels were up there playing nut-soccer and one of them had just scored a goal. Back and forth the nuts rolled until the racket was interrupted by little baby squeaks.
Baby squeaks! Oh God, these creatures had already reproduced?! It soon dawned on me that the high-pitched hum from the night before could have only been one thing: birthing squeaks. An expectant she-squirrel suffered through the night to birth her litter. Then, once the sun came up, she sent her squirrel husband to inform the entire family of the new arrivals.
Upon hearing the news, the entire family just “had to see the babies!” to which the husband squirrel replied:
Okay, you guys can come over at around 11 pm. But bring extra nuts so that we can play soccer.
As expected, the family went ape over the babies. “They look just like their mother!” “No, their father!” “No, their grandmother!” Perched on fluffy pillows of yellowing insulation the squirrel family shared a meal of roasted pecans. Afterwards, the she-squirrels chatted while the he-squirrels played soccer. Finally, the new mama declared that she was going to bed because she was not in any state to play hostess all night.
Such a joyous reunion going on above my head most likely meant that the squirrels were too preoccupied to creep down from the attic and eat my face.
And with that I fell asleep.
I’m thinking we will destroy the squirrels some time next week.